Merimask Goes On And On

I'm like you and in some ways, not. I tuck inside myself all my thoughts and dreams and I don't want to share them with my friends. I prefer to be alone these days and it confuses everyone around me except my mother who must feel the same way sometimes. I've always been this way. Just like you, as a child I would sit by myself with crayons and paper and make my own world for hours in silence. If I wasn't drawing, I was sitting outside folding flowers and clover together into chains to wear. I've always been happiest and the saddest in my own company. I long for quiet evenings with just my thoughts and then stew in guilt for being alone. It's a strange outlook on life. I can be in a room full of family and friends and feel hollow so alone. My best friends try to include me in their lives and draw me out into their world and I can't help but feel I'm intruding. They're so much alike and I'm their polar opposite.

I was never popular with people. I know now that it was my own fault. I didn't want to be the center of attention, or for people to remember me. I'm awkward around people I don't know and create a gulf most people cannot cross. It's not because I don't like them-I just don't have any use for them.

I heard once that all artists are either depressed or crazy. Don't know if that's true or not. I'm not crazy and I teeter in and out of depression. You could say anyone is depressed depending on their day. I do know that artists tend to see things differently.

LJ has been a blessing to me. I can reach out to people miles away much easier than to the people I live with. I'm sure there are obvious reasons why this is so, I just choose not to think on them.