merimask: (Default)
([personal profile] merimask Sep. 24th, 2006 04:49 am)
Hmm.  I had a pleasant Saturday evening date with my husband.  I was informed that we'd do anything that I wanted.    That meant seafood at The Dock At The Bay, movie rental (because I didn't feel like fighting the crowds on a rainy night ), and a slice of cake from The Dessert Deli (they made our wedding cake.   They totally own Amherst...half the town was in that place on a Saturday night paying 5 bucks for a slice of cake and LOVING it).

So we watched Silent Hill (meh  *shrug*  It ain't art, I'll say that much.  Probably would have liked it better if I'd ever played the game), ate cake, got cozy, napped...  All very pleasant.  

Then I wake up because the wind is howling and the rain is falling in buckets, and I decide to check up with my eBay auctions online...and I find e-mail from some friends, informing me that someone we all know died this morning.

She was my age and she was a strange bird prone to bouts of crazy...but she introduced me to anime and she made really great cocoa and even though we clashed sometimes, I always admired her.  She had lovely long red hair and she was a very good fencer.  She bought her first house at 24...quite a feat for a single girl...and lived in it quite nicely, all alone.  She was very smart and very independent...she had great art on the walls.

I knew she was sick...she's had breast cancer for three years, but I didn't know how ill she'd become.  I was going to give her a call and see how she was doing.  

...  I have nothing much more to say.  I'm not exactly devastated or anything...I'm just saddened and feeling my mortality.  She was my age and she's gone, and isn't the world a capricious place?  Lightning strikes or it doesn't.  The lump is just a cyst or maybe a malignant tumor.  There's no telling which way it'll go.   Usually I'm fine with that.  Tonight, I'm hearing the storm at my window and it sounds...close.

From: [identity profile] soliloquy-fair.livejournal.com


It's so strange to read everyone else's comments. I've had a girl I knew who was much younger than me die, but that's about it. I was shocked when I heard but it didn't make me think about my own death. Nothing does, really, because I've been absolutely sure I was going to die since I was twelve and somehow the thought of dying of disease or something beforehand doesn't freak me out that much. A little, but not much...and I WAS told I had a huge tumour that could be cancerous (and it was HUGE) and it was full month before I found out that it wasn't...but I just felt kind of 'rushed'. Like, "Okay, now I'm going to have to wrap this and this and this up super fast, or there's going to be trouble," kind of a thing.

I do NOT know exactly why that is, since I'm quite happy to be alive and do not look forward to dying. At all. But nothing like this ever seems to make me worry about my mortality since I went through that relentlessly in my teens and have exhausted the fear, by now. It was just kind of surreal to read this post/the comments...there is clearly some strange wiring in my brain.

Possibly I've just gotten so good at suppressing that nothing makes a dent anymore because I smooth it over right away? But anyway...that cake sounds awfully good. I don't eat cake much because since I AM alive, I prefer to be slim while I'm around, lol. What a vain, silly little puss.

Right now I really want cheesecake. A LOT.

From: [identity profile] merimask.livejournal.com


I often wonder if it was my upbringing that leaves me feeling a little (a lot, really) rudderless when it comes to dealing with death. My family is not religious, and furthermore my Mom witnessed her little brother getting killed in the road by a car when she was a child. She was eight, he was five, and it traumatized her in a way that caused her to obsess her whole life about death and terrible things happening. But, without religion, we have no "life after death" belief to cushion the concept of mortality, and I have to say it always has and always will freak me out, I think. I think the only reason I might ever wish to have a strong religious belief would be to alleviate that fear of death.

You have so much balance and poise when it comes to your mortality...it's enviable.

As is your resistance to cake! :-) Me, I guess I'm a bit of a hedonist (but then, if you ever tasted a Dessert Deli cake you might become a hedonist too!).

From: [identity profile] golden-meliades.livejournal.com


No food has the power to turn me, I am steel ;)

I don't believe in heaven either, or any life after death. Too bad, it's a nice idea...but no. As Hojo in Ruroken says...we're just meat. In my case, I think religion would me more what makes death kind of scary. (They don't teach heaven...but at least they don't teach hell, either, in our case. Still, it wasn't for me.)

Honestly, I think I'm just mentally bent. :) My whole mentality is just one giant shrug, when you get down to the core.
.

Most Popular Tags

Powered by Dreamwidth Studios

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags