Masks and Musings...

[merimask]

Hello hello!  I've been busy.

I used red jasper for the snake's eyes.  What you can't tell is how ~tiny~ this Medusa is...the woman who ordered it has a very small face.   I was only able to fit eleven snakes on there (well, twelve including the one I carved on the forehead).   She wanted "fire" colors, so I chose copper and gold on black but I decided to make a banded snake.  It's just my own silly whimsy but rumdiculous astutely pointed out that it looks a bit like the very poisonous coral snake.  I should totally do one like that sometime, on purpose!  :-)

You know...sometimes I get to thinking (which is NEVER a good idea!) about my life and my nature.  I wonder why I am the way I am.  It occurs to me that being an artist, this compulsion to make things, is what I am.  It colors every aspect of my life.

I was born this way, born making stuff.  My Mom loves to tell me stories about what I was like when I was a baby.  As soon as I could grasp, I started drawing pictures.  She tells me that when I was just 16 months old I would spend hours and hours at a tiny desk my Dad made for me, drawing.  She used to bribe me with things like boxes of crayons and markers, just to get me to eat or play outside, or take a nap.   All I wanted to do was draw.  You might think, "Well, that's learned behavior because her father was an artist", but no, back then when I was born Dad had a job at J. Walter Thompson in NYC.  He left for the office every day, did all his drawing there.  So I'm obviously genetically hotwired to WANT to make stuff.  I have no control over it.

And, you know, it's molded who I am.  I approach the world sideways with a pencil in my hand.  Everything I see is potentially fodder for my creativity, the real world is just my palate.  I never had to learn to be social, I never had to fit in.  As a child, when interaction was going on all around me, I'd position myself centrally, plop on my butt, cross my legs and start drawing.  A crowd could (and almost always did) gather, and I'd just draw and draw.  I'd silently fill requests, or just do my thing.  I could have an audience, or not.  It didn't matter to me.  I was "makin' stuff".

It came as a surprise to me one day that I was a pretty girl.  It came as a surprise to me one day that people considered me wise (reading was just the thing I did when I wasn't drawing...reading was the exercise I put my imagination through in order to spark more images).  It came as a TOTAL surprise to me that people liked being around me, considered me nice, considered me a friend.

Because I'm a terrible friend.  Terrible.  I live so much in my own head, I really don't ~feel~ friendly.  I'm just being me.  I like my own company so much that people are a distraction.   People IRL let me down all the time.  They never seem to want (or be able to) connect in the way *I* would like to connect.  Their heads are closed.  Their mouths flap.  They make foolish sounds about religion or politics.  They make me want to just sit and draw and shut out their silly.  So I do.

And when I ~have~ to be social, I can do it so well.  I smile and make all the right sounds.  I am funny.  People laugh when I'm around.  I can be (and often am) the center of attention.  But it all feels so phoney.

Today, I called up a venue, in order to show up on short notice this weekend and sell my art.  They know me there.  I haven't been there in years.  The woman on the phone, she fell all over herself, she was SO glad I'd be coming.  She was all "we have to hang out!".  Her husband was there too, in the background I could hear him;  "Tell her I said hi!!  Tell her I can't wait to see her new stuff!!".  I have NO idea who these people are.  I don't even know their names.  I have no real idea why they seem to like me so much.  I'm going to have to walk in there with an open face tomorrow and just say "Hi!" warmly to whoever runs up to me, so they'll think I'm glad to see them.

I don't mean to be so superficial.  I don't mean to be so closed off.  I'm.  SO.  Lonely.  Almost all the time.  I crave the ~idea~ of friends, but in practice I'm a bad friend.   I get distracted by my art, I get busy, I get frustrated with how obtuse most people are. 

A few years ago, a guy who I considered a pretty good friend ( better than most...someone who I could spend a few hours talking to without wanting to chop my own head off) told me he loved me.  Said he had a crush on me.  (This was very naughty of him, by the way, because at the time I was already in a committed relationship with the guy I ended up marrying).  I was completely astounded by his pronouncement.   I remember looking at him like he'd sprouted horns..."How the HELL could you be in love with me?   You have NO idea who I am."  Because even though we hung out and talked and seemed to have some kind of relationship...when you got right down to it I was just as superficial with this guy as I am with everyone.

So, I wonder what it is that I'm putting out there, into the world, besides my art.  Whatever it is, people seem to like it.  Ask anyone who knows me IRL and they'll tell you I'm nice, helpful, fun, entertaining, smart, etc...  All good things.  And yet, in my heart, I feel so alone, like such a fake.

Because in the end, all I really have room for in my head is my art and my thoughts.  I love my family, of course.  I'm always ~here~ for everyone, all the time.  And yet, I'm not.  I give and give (almost to a fault) but I'm dealing off the top of the deck.  I hold my aces close to me.

Those people today, on the phone...they shamed me.  I felt so bad for not being the person they think I am.  I wish I could be that person sometimes (times just like right now).

I think I love being here on LJ because there are some folks (right here on my f-list) who remind me so much of me.  This forum, it cracks our heads open.  Our selves spill out in words, right onto the keyboard, right onto the screen.  We click a button and suddenly we're sharing.  It feels closer to how I ~wish~ the world worked than anything else does.  It feels like real openness, real sharing of thoughts and selves.  I see sisters here, separated by time and space but SO much like myself.  I crave that SO much.

I guess, here, I don't feel so all alone with myself.  Isn't that weird?  Who I am isolates me, but it also frees me to share so much of myself, if only in this imperfect medium.  How strange.

I wonder, is it just me that feels this way?  Am I just your typical artist?  Does this happen the same way for everyone?

Comments

[golden-meliades.livejournal.com]

Still never sure whether to classify myself as an artist or not. Probably. But I am both the same and opposite to what you've just described yourself as. I'm completely insular...it's probably not possible to be more insular than me without having a mental problem...and not at all social. People like me, though, which in my opinion is strange. Only on LJ does anyone realize how bad-tempered I am, and that's because I flat out TELL them, repeatedly. And occasionally let out the huge rants in my LJ that I'd never say irl.

People remember me, too, and I rarely remember them. Almost everyone thinks I'm someone I'm not.

However, that doesn't really bother me, and though I'm not social, I am the bloody best friend in the WORLD. You can't get a more dedicated friend than me. However, right now, I only have one friend. That's it. One. My best friend, catsinanorbit, who has been my best for 14 years. I'm so intense with friendship that I can't maintain more than a few. (That, and I never meet anyone because I'm always alone.)

I'd like to have a few more really good friends, irl. I really would. But I can't honestly say I'm lonely. It's hard for me to be lonely...I don't really understand it. Even if I didn't have my best friend, I kind of doubt I'd be lonely in a normal way.

I do love the idea of community and er...sociality...though. I love the idea of living in an artists community, where everyone maintains their own unique house and is an entrepreneur, where everyone goes to a locally owned cafe for fabulous artsy lunches to chat about colour and the things you can do with feathers, and they eat off plates made by a local potter. Community gardens, yoga classes, nature walks...yeah. Oh god, I never stop with the ideas. I sometimes feel lonely for an IDEA...but never for real people. Real people just make me crazy and sad and sometimes a bit scared for the entire world. More than sometimes, actually. I can't stand 'people'.

I guess we really are predisposed right from birth. I didn't believe them for a long time, but my parents claim I was barely old enough to hold up a book when I started falling asleep with them tented over my baby head in my crib. I started speaking at or just before 9 months, and I didn't speak only one word...I'd string three together. Months before I could walk, too. And I used to go to sleep every night (I think I may have told you this one before) by making my parents giggle...because they could hear me in my room, going "Cow. Cow. Cow. COOOWWWW..."

Apparently I was doing vocab. I can barely believe it, but I used to repeat words I'd learned/heard that day over and over at night before bed. I HAVE always gotten perfect grades in vocab, I know that. Weird.

[merimask.livejournal.com]

It's just a funny day for me, here, I guess. :-/ I'm torn and it bothers me. Doesn't entirely make sense to me. *shrug* I think it's an occupational hazard of working alone so much. My husband comes home and I say "Tell me about your day" and I really ~mean~ it, because he got to interact with people all day and I just sit here in my head. Even though people bug me, I get so lonely! I LOVE being an artist, I couldn't change if I wanted to...but it isolates me from the rest of the world. And yet, the people I know would probably never guess how anti-social I am.

Yeah, I really think you're born wired to be a certain way. I think you can be nurtured in one direction or another, but traits are innate and come out sooner or later. My Dad's side of the family is littered with artists, going back for 4 generations! That can't be a coincidence.

[aoi-tsuki1.livejournal.com]

I'm not an art-artist, but enough of a creative person to think I may know what you mean. It doesn't bother me, though, as I seem to be a combination of you and Mel: I hate People in general, because the overriding collective traits of humanity tend to be really sucky at best. I keep closer people out of my head, too, because that's where all my creative energies need to be, which makes it no place for anyone I like and/or love. *SMUSH ALERT* When you're getting down to the nitty-gritty emotional stuff with someone you care about, it's really your heart being used as the medium, not your head--or at least mine is. Most of the time, even Mike just sees that surface layer, because it's too exhausting not to use my head around him.

I gather from a few re-readings that you feel you don't let anyone in at all, and you feel as if you're cheating them of your real self. Well, you're a wonderful pet owner, mom, wife, and online friend--what else do you want, woman? :P You can't show the emotion I've seen in your LJ and not be a good person. If it can only come out over the Internet and not IRL, that's because some things just can't.

...Does any of this make any sense? I'm all hopped up on caffeine and not as coherent as usual.

[merimask.livejournal.com]

:-) You're so sweet. Yeah, you make sense. I guess I just feel funny because I really ~want~ to have a big house full of friends and an open door...but at the same time I know it could never happen because I need to be alone to do my work. My career isolates me...and my career is a big part of who I am, so I'm stuck. And yet, for some reason I don't think *anyone* in my life would guess how alone I feel.

I like who I am, but if I could change some things about myself I think I'd try to temper my work time with more social time, because I feel like that's way out of balance.

Sometimes I feel scattered and thrown to the wind

[rumdiculous.livejournal.com]

I'm like you and in some ways, not. I tuck inside myself all my thoughts and dreams and I don't want to share them with my friends. I prefer to be alone these days and it confuses everyone around me except my mother who must feel the same way sometimes. I've always been this way. Just like you, as a child I would sit by myself with crayons and paper and make my own world for hours in silence. If I wasn't drawing, I was sitting outside folding flowers and clover together into chains to wear. I've always been happiest and the saddest in my own company. I long for quiet evenings with just my thoughts and then stew in guilt for being alone. It's a strange outlook on life. I can be in a room full of family and friends and feel hollow so alone. My best friends try to include me in their lives and draw me out into their world and I can't help but feel I'm intruding. They're so much alike and I'm their polar opposite.

I was never popular with people. I know now that it was my own fault. I didn't want to be the center of attention, or for people to remember me. I'm awkward around people I don't know and create a gulf most people cannot cross. It's not because I don't like them-I just don't have any use for them.

I heard once that all artists are either depressed or crazy. Don't know if that's true or not. I'm not crazy and I teeter in and out of depression. You could say anyone is depressed depending on their day. I do know that artists tend to see things differently.

LJ has been a blessing to me. I can reach out to people miles away much easier than to the people I live with. I'm sure there are obvious reasons why this is so, I just choose not to think on them.

Re: Sometimes I feel scattered and thrown to the wind

[merimask.livejournal.com]

I've heard that artists tend to be prone to depression...I don't doubt it. I think it comes with all the introspection and the alone time. Being artistic (usually) doesn't go hand in hand with being social. Salesmen have occupations that require them to be social. Counselors, too. Cashiers. Policemen. Even the guy that works at the pizzeria has to be social. Artists work alone. It's a lonely career. Human beings are social animals, we evolved to live in communities and depend on the strengths of each other...so it goes against our nature to be so isolated. I can see why that can get depressing.

I just wish I could find some balance. You know? It feels wrong to be this way, but it's all I know so I just keep doing it.

We should both take a page from our lives here in LJ I think. I find you interesting, outgoing, charming, open. I know I reach out a friendly hand here with much more frequency (and more genuinely)than I do IRL. If only we could transplant that behavior to our daily lives... :-)

Re: Sometimes I feel scattered and thrown to the wind

[golden-meliades.livejournal.com]

I read that artists, as a group, have the highest rate of mental...I hesitate to say 'deviance', but that's what they meant, basically. There's a standard of what is a 'normal' way to perceive the world, and those who call themselves artists have the highest rate of seeing it in a different way from everyone else. Also, artists are supposedly prone to having all kinds of odd views, sensitivity, depression...apparently we're a mildly wacky bunch.

Big surprise. I'm as far off the norm as you can get without being a psycho. (At least, I'm HOPING I'm still not a psycho. Sometimes it's hard to tell...)

You know what, though? You probably just need more artist friends irl. My problem (one of many) is that I never meet anyone like ME, and I only get along with people who are like me in the base of the spirit...but who have enough about their opinions and visions that are different that I still find them interesting. So basically, I never like anyone ;)

I only want to be more social when I'm depressed. But I'm weird even for an artist. I'd say everyone THINKS you're pretty friendly, Meri, if that helps any :) (After all, friendliness is like beauty...it's in the eye of the beholder.)

[pzb.livejournal.com]

I approach the world sideways with a pencil in my hand.

Okay....that just summed up my whole freaking world.

I think it's an artist thing, to say the least. We perceive things on a different level, communicate on a different level. Whether it's art, music, theater, whathaveyou. Jim can't listen to a piece of music without tearing it apart, down to its smallest intracacies. I can't look at a tree without discecting its colors, shapes, and values. It's a blessing and a curse - a double-edged sword.

And I find that it makes dealing with the rest of the world, particularly those not artistic in any way shape or form MUCH more difficult. And much harder to remember. (Even this morning, I got a comment on DevArt from someone I appearently saw this weekend whose comment was "*wonders if you can figure out who this is*" Which I find to be EXTREMELY unfair.... I make nice with a couple thousand people...unless someone particulaly stands out in my mind, I don't tend to remember them... Especially in this setting.) I wouldn't feel too badly about not remembering the people. Your mind works in a different way, and it's likely when you see them, you might get a spark of rememberance. But, if you're like me....you might not. XD Any which way, just remind yourself that your head works differently. It doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you a bad friend. Those of us who are wired that way understand. The rest can never know what attacks us on a daily basis.

At least, that's what I tell myself to deal with it. :D

[merimask.livejournal.com]

:-) That's why I like having you around to "talk" to...I know you get what I mean when I say my creativity is both my medium for expression and my means of isolating myself from the world. It's SO confusing...what kind of artist am I if my job is to interpret my world and yet I feel like I'm on the outside looking in? I intentionally *put* myself on the outside. Why?? It bothers me.

I wish there was a way to be more of a participant in my own life...less of a spectator. It seems like a hollow existence.

[pzb.livejournal.com]

I think part of being an artist *IS* being a spectator. How can you make art if you can't see life from which to draw art? Believe me, though, I know what you mean by putting yourself on the outside. I'm usually on the outside myself. I have very few friends, don't go out too much. It's part of not being able, for me at least, to relate to most people. I've learned to accept that those who are my friends are typically much closer.

If you're like me, you intentionally put yourself on the outside because most people just don't get you. That's my issue anyway. Those that do, I'm usually very close to. And I think that's how I make it through my life without feeling like it's totally passing me by. I do feel that way from time to time....I'm now 27, no children, few friends, and I go to anime conventions. Sounds pretty pathetic when I put it like that. :D But I enjoy what I'm doing at least, so I don't feel like I've been a total failure with my life thus far.

I think the important thing is that you enjoy what you're doing with your life and those that are around you. So you may not be the most popular girl at the party, but so long as you enjoy the people you're around, and what you're doing, then I'd say you're a participant in your own life. :D

[moonphased.livejournal.com]

Holy... okay, first of all, I just have to oogle over the mask. Because it (like all of your others, but I think I'm just REALLY in awe of he medusas!!) it gorgeous. :D

But oh, do I know exactly what you mean in this entire entry.

My parents have told me that I've drawn ever since I could hold a pencil. There's pictures of me when I couldn't be more than 2 years old, sitting at the living room coffee table with a pencil, and scribbling something on paper. ^^

It always surprises me when people tell me they think I'm nice or really sensitive to others. I guess I feel like I'm introverted, too. I like doing things on my own more for the fact that I both don't want to trouble others, and also that I really don't want to have to depend on others for everything either. So, yeah, it often makes me wonder if I'm just a bad team player, or if I come across as snobby/elitist (do I just not trust other people to not screw it up?), or just plain avoidant. And I absolutely know what you mean when you feel like hanging out can feel like such a distraction, and yet you still want to be with friends.

Honestly...? I don't know if that feeling makes me a bad friend or a selfish person, either. I think I feel the same way you do, becuase despite people saying it doesn't matter, somehow it feels like it does. Somehow I always feel like I'm not doing enough as a friend, or not enough for the people I care about. I wish I could be more outgoing without feeling so forced or phoney with people I know on a just a "casual acquaintence" basis. I honestly really envy people who can do that.

Heh, I guess being online gives me a buffer to be able to be open without feeling so on-the-spot. ^^ It's a lot easier to just sit down and write (and be able to edit!) than to converse one-on-one, for me.


I really don't know if it's typical. I like meeting people, and I like having my friends and family around. But I also know that I also really like being alone to do my own thing. ^__^

[merimask.livejournal.com]

:-) Thanks! Yeah, every time I do a Medusa ~I~ stop and look at it and say "...Well damn!", because they are SO much work but they're very gratifying to finish. It always surprises me when I successfully complete one because they're so complicated.

It's funny, I knew you'd understand what I was trying to say. But you seem to have made peace with your artist's nature...I'm still struggling with mine.

The thing that keeps biting me is this; I just feel like I want to do such great things with my art...but I have such a small life. It's closed right down to a little pin hole. Can an artist really interpret the world when she's become so myopic? It's such a lonely way to work. It feels wrong.

[a-hollow-year.livejournal.com]

In all honesty, I think most people feel like this.

[merimask.livejournal.com]

Maybe so, though I'm not sure. So many people seem to just coast through their lives, reacting only to stimuli, examining nothing. *shrug* I really shouldn't complain. I like the way I am, basically. I'm glad I have the inclination to ponder these things. It's how I adapt and change, eventually.